My girlfriend is growing distant and passive-aggressive
on:
We're both 18. We've been dating for two years.
We've hit the first really rough part of our relationship.
I'm honestly not even entirely sure what has happened, but about a month ago my girlfriend has just been so off with me. She never wants to see me. When we go out, she will ignore me and speak to all our friends rather than me. She'll either straight up ignore my texts, or she'll reply the most bland things like "yh", "no", "mhm", etc. It's like she's angry at me but will not tell me what's going on or if I've done anything to her.
I know that her parents are in a rough patch in their marriage and her dad is a bit in an out of the house. I'm doing my best to support her and cheer her up, but nothing works. She's often rude to me in front of others, and that's just about the only interaction I ever get with her these days.
I understand that she has a lot going on both at home and at school, but I work two jobs and am under a lot of pressure from school as well.
She'll often ask me for lifts, which I'm OK with since she can't drive yet. I obviously have never asked her to share fuel costs or anything, but I never get a "thank you". I never even get a "love you" when she gets out. I really don't know what has changed in the last month. I feel like she doesn't appreciate me and isn't grateful for anything I do for her.
I know the easy option is just to call it quits and break up but she's my first ever relationship, first sexual experience, and I'm scared I won't be able to love anyone else.
I'm starting to think that she assumes that I'll always be there and that she can do whatever she wants to me and get away with it. She's taking me for granted.
What should I do? Should I distance myself and try to let her figure her personal stuff out on her own? Should I keep doing what I'm doing and just hope something changes? Should I just call it quits and break up?
Answer:
I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this situation.
Unfortunately, I can't tell you for certain why she's acting this way. It may be related to some of the things that she's going through, such as her parents' (I assume) imminent divorce and the pressure at school.
She's also young. Maybe she's anxious about becoming an adult and how she'll have to take care of herself. Maybe she's going through some kind of identity crisis. It's also possible that she's just becoming a different person altogether since, again, she's very young. People's brains aren't fully formed until they're around 25, and until then, both of you will experience many changes and likely become incompatible.
For those and other reasons, it could also be that she actually wants out of the relationship. It could be that she doesn't want to be with you anymore because she stopped liking you, and is trying to provoke you into breaking up with her so she doesn't have to be the one doing it.
It could also be that she feels that "she doesn't deserve you" and is trying to prove that by provoking you into breaking up with her so she can confirm to herself that she's unlovable. It's what depressed people tend to do. They unconsciously hurt the relationships that they depend on.
Given what you shared, I lean more towards the first one, but until you talk to her about it, we won't know for sure.
You say that it's been a month since she's began acting this way. If it had been longer, and if there had been any conversation between you two about this, then I'd tell you to break up with her. However, under these circumstances, maybe it's worth giving her a chance.
You could sit her down one day and basically repeat to her what you wrote to me. Here's an example of what that could sound like:
"Honey, I'm concerned with your well-being. You've been acting distant and aggressive. I know that school is putting you under a lot of pressure. I know that you're worried about your parents. I've been trying to cheer you up and support you but haven't had any success. Not only am I concerned with your well-being, but I'm also beginning to feel that you don't want me around anymore. You barely talk to me. You don't seem to appreciate anything that I do for you. When we're out with friends, you completely ignore me. If you're going through a rough patch, I can understand that. I'll try my best to be patient and supportive. Still, it's been rough for me too and I have been thinking of giving you some space to let you figure things out for yourself and also for me to have some distance so I don't start resenting you."
I know that just reading this is making you feel sick to the stomach. It's basically an implication that you want a break, which could very well lead to a big fight and an actual breakup. You'll have to hope that she'll act like a mature, adult woman, and that she'll open up about what's going on and will begin to make an effort to improve her behavior.
However, if nothing changes within the next month, then while she might be your first, that doesn't entitle her to keep you tied to her in misery.
As an 18-year-old, it's normal to worry that you could never find anyone else. The fact of the matter is that, you quickly would. That should be your least worry.
If she doesn't make amends, then don't enable this behavior. It's neither good for you, nor for her. End the relationship.