Ended an unhealthy relationship, now feeling insecure about a healthy one
uestion:
I am 25. The girl I'm dating is 24. We've been on three dates so far.
I got blindsided in my first relationship that lasted about six months. I fell really hard and I manifested the typical nice guy archetype. The relationship was an emotional rollercoaster and I was obsessed with her. I didn't get my needs met so I got very anxious when we weren't talking. I came to a realization that it was a very unhealthy relationship even though it "felt good". I was simply infatuated.
Fast forward two months and I meet this girl through a friend of my family. I was hesitant because I wasn't sure if I was ready for another relationship yet, but I decided to feel it out and see.
So far we have been on three dates which lasted a good amount of time. I am confused about my emotions however, because I don't feel infatuated or anything like that. She checks all my boxes on paper. She is super sweet, caring, and we communicate well. I feel like I can open up to her about anything. I don't feel worried when she doesn't text me because I know that she will eventually do it.
It's her first relationship, so her family is all excited and they want to meet me already. I began to feel pressured so I told her to give me time to be sure.
I feel like the first relationship messed me up and I'm scared. I don't want to string her along and break her heart if I can't warm up to her. I know from experience what it feels like to be lead on and I don't want to put someone else through that. I want to continue to feel this out but I don't want to give her a false sense of hope. Our families are also connected, so I don't want this to turn into drama later.
I already mentioned some of this to her and she seems understanding. I am wondering if I should tell her the full story. I don't want to give up on something that has potential but also don't want to get too involved too soon.
Answer:
I'm sorry that you had to go through that horrible relationship with your ex.
It's been only three dates, so even if it does seem to you like she checks all the boxes, it's way too early to be certain of that.
Besides, while I'm all for being 100% open with your parents about your relationships (dating in secret is a red flag in my opinion), they're also putting a lot of pressure on her to have you meet them, and I find that suspicious. If they're possessive and controlling, then you could end up in a relationship against your will. They may be trying to pressure you into making it official to get her settled down.
Now, I think that you owe it to her (and to them) to give her some clue as to why you want to take it slow because I can imagine that she's already overthinking it, even if she's trying to play it cool. Here's something you could say that doesn't go into too much detail (so it doesn't develop too much emotional intimacy), but tells her just what she needs to know:
"Hey, I've been meaning to open up to you about something. First of all, I want to say that I've been enjoying our time together thus far. You're a wonderful person and if you're still up for it, I definitely want to continue seeing you. My hesitancy with making this official or meeting your family though, has to do with my previous relationship. I don't want to go into too much detail now. I don't think it's the right time to do that. However, the gist of it is that I was in an abusive relationship that I was forced to end.
"Honestly, things between us have been going so well, and they have been moving forward so slowly and peacefully, that it's making me anxious because I'm just not used to a healthy relationship. That's all that there is to it. I also want to be cautious because as you know, our families are connected, and I want to make sure that we're well matched before getting too serious, lest we end up creating an unpleasant environment. I'm sure you know what I mean. Thank you so much for your understanding and for going at my pace. It really means a lot to me."
Let me finish by saying that, what you feel is completely normal. I always tell people that while it might be good and normal to be infatuated during the honeymoon phase of the dating relationship, that will always wear off and that's OK. It's not meant to always stay intense. Quite to the contrary. It's meant to become stable and peaceful. Your relationship with a woman is supposed to be a safe haven, a place where you can both be yourselves, completely naked (emotionally speaking). You should be so compatible, that it almost takes no effort to live in harmony with each other. That's what a healthy relationship should look like, but sadly, few people understand this principle.
In other words, what you have now, if no big surprises come up in the next two or three months, may be a really great thing. I think that you may have caught yourself a keeper. Don't worry about things being calm and safe. Rejoice over it!