My girlfriend has done nothing wrong but I want to break up with her
Question:
I'm 18. My girlfriend is 19. We've been together for three years.
She is a great woman. We haven't had any major fights or problems with each other. I'm graduating high school soon and I've found myself planning my career path and other aspects of my future around marrying this girl and making her happy.
I've come to the conclusion though, that I do not want to be with her.
The problem is that we have all of the same friends, go to church together, and our families know each other. I feel like I can't break up with her without coming up with some big reason. I'd feel like a monster for wasting three years of her life and breaking her heart.
I've realized recently that I am a huge people pleaser. I do everything to please my parents, friends, teachers, etc. I've realized that I spend my time trying to make her happy, and that I almost never enjoy it myself. We spend most of our time outside of school with each other or hanging out with the same friends, but I loathe it. I have fun when I'm doing things with friends on my own, but I find myself resenting doing those same things with my girlfriend around.
Some "little" things that she does, that you'd think I should find maybe goofy but not a big deal, I find wildly annoying. Also, she's not ugly or anything, but I don't think I even find her attractive anymore.
We are really close and share our feelings with each other. I've hinted at a breakup but can't bring myself to properly explain how I feel about this. I think that I do love her, I just don't love being with her. I know it would destroy her. I feel awful about this but I don't want to wake up next to someone that I don't love being with for the rest of my life.
Answer:
I'm sorry that you're in this situation.
It's tough because there's no easy way out.
One thing is certain though: You must break up with her.
If you think that it's hard for you to keep up the ruse just to please her, then I guarantee you that she already feels that something is off and it's driving her nuts. The longer you drag this out, the more unnecessary pain you'll cause her. Breaking up with her will not hurt her as much as this uncertainty does, because I can tell you with confidence that she is hoping that you'll become her husband, the father of her children, etc.
What you're going through is normal. You began the relationship at a very young age. Judging from what you wrote, maybe it was even a situation where people kind of pointed at her and said: "You two would make such a cute couple." You said that you go to the same church with her after all, so I wouldn't be surprised. You say that you're a people pleaser, so it's not implausible that you just went along with what everyone around you suggested. She was desperate to be in a relationship, and you happened to agree to play the role of the boyfriend.
That is not to say that anyone involved, including her, had any bad intentions. It just wasn't well thought out.
Nobody considered the fact that you're too young to settle on one person. Until you're around 25, both of you will change a lot as people, as your brain will continue to develop. In fact, that might be part of the reason why you feel like you're growing in a different direction, like you want something else from life.
After three years, you've also gotten to know her well enough to know that you wouldn't be happy living with her particular quirks. Marriage is about choosing the most compatible person, who is the most similar to you, the one whose flaws you find the easiest to tolerate (because everyone has flaws). You very clearly do not see yourself tolerating her particular flaws and little quirks much longer.
Last but not least, you don't find her attractive. That shouldn't be the main reason to be in a relationship (because we all age and become ugly), but it should be there.
You don't need a big reason to break things off. You just need to end them and set firm boundaries. Here's what that could sound like:
"I've been thinking about our relationship and I want to end it. I don't see a future between us. I think that we are too different in terms of lifestyle and goals. This is not to say that there's anything wrong with you. There isn't. However, I've changed a lot over these last years and I feel that I'm in this relationship just to keep you, your family, and everyone else happy. I feel deeply unhappy though because this is not what I want, and ultimately, no matter how hard I try to pretend to be happy for your sake, I know that I have been a less than stellar boyfriend, and it's going to only get worse from here on out. I think that you deserve better. I also want to take a different direction in life. I know that our breakup will be difficult. We share the same church, friends, and our families get along. It will be a mess, but I must end it. I will try to keep as much distance from you as I can so that we can both move on. I want to go no contact on social media. I wish you all the best for your future."
Don't think that you wasted three years of her time with this relationship. Like I hinted at before, teenage relationships rarely ever last. Yours was never going to be an exception. You didn't waste her time. Quite to the contrary. You tried to be the best boyfriend you could and she learned many important lessons that she'll hopefully take with her to her next relationship, and so will you. You're much more likely to find happily ever after when you're a little older.
I have one caveat though.
I hope you're not chickening out of the relationship because you're entertaining thoughts of "being free" to explore relationships with other women. That's just having cold feet, being afraid of duty and responsibility, and thinking only about your own pleasure. It's selfish. If that's the case, then I'd advise you to sit down and think very hard if you're not perhaps throwing away a great opportunity to marry a woman who could make you truly happy. The grass is always greener on the side that you water, so don't peak over the fence and lie to yourself about the other side being greener. Enjoy what you have. Be content. Very few can say that they have such a great social environment as you do.
And since you're a believer, I suggest you pray about this matter.