I’m interested in a coworker. How should I proceed?
Question:
I’m 25. She’s 22.
She’s a coworker working under the same department as me. I was assigned to her as her “buddy,” to guide her with her work, as she’s a fresh graduate.
Our relationship was platonic and professional at first, since we were assigned to different projects and very rarely met each other. Recently, however, we were assigned to the same project and got to spend more time together (either with other coworkers or just the two of us), and I’ve been developing an interest in her.
We have opposite personalities. She’s an extrovert who enjoys going out for fun and I’m an introvert who prefers to stay at home. We do share some similar interests such as movies, shows, and music. I’m open to any of her interests and hobbies.
I try my best to participate in conversations when I talk to other people, but I usually have trouble coming up with something to say. I’ve been told that I’m too quiet, but this rarely happens when I’m spending time with her. Talking with her is a lot of fun and I find myself engaging a lot more, which I really enjoy.
I’m not sure how to approach her about going on a date without making her feel awkward. I would like to know her better but I’m unsure when is the right time to ask. We sometimes chat via messaging apps and often joke around. I’ve also told her in passing once that “I would be willing to explore restaurants or cafes with her on weekends”. She said she’d be interested in doing that too. Even though this is the case, she often takes time replying to my texts outside of work-related topics (often takes a whole day or several days).
Do you think I still have a chance with her? Do extroverts rarely use messaging apps and value offline conversations more? What signs should I look out for to know if she is interested in me? Is she only interested in me as a coworker? I don’t want to bother her further if she shows signs that she only sees me as a coworker.
Answer:
First of all, congratulations on finding a girl you like.
Second, don’t get your hopes up just yet. She’s extroverted. It could be that she’s just really friendly and not interested in a relationship. With the little bit you shared, I can’t tell you for sure.
As for texting, I don’t think that depends so much on being an extrovert/introvert, as it depends on a general preference for a particular mode of communication. To give you an example, I’m an extrovert, but I’d much rather text people, as I feel that I can express myself better in writing than by speaking. I know plenty of extroverts, however, who couldn’t care less to waste their time texting anyone, sometimes even those closest to them.
As for a sign, I need to ask: Is she taking initiative to come see you and talk you? Or are you always the one who seeks her out? If the former is true, then I’d say that’s a solid sign that she’s interested in getting to know you. Still, I can’t guarantee that you have a chance. I think it’s worth giving it a shot though.
One important note however: You’re confusing being shy with being an introvert. You can be both, but that’s not a rule.
An introvert is someone who simply recharges socially by spending time by himself. Extroverts are the opposite.
However, if you tend to be shy and/or insecure about approaching people and opening up to them about yourself, then you have to practice to be more comfortable and overcome that trait of yours. There’s no other way out. Also, I think that even in the modern era, many if not most women still prefer it if the guy takes initiative. You need to be brave, even if just for a moment.
The girl might be waiting on you. She already showed an interest in going somewhere to spend time with you.
So, what should you do?
Step one: Sit down and think for a moment. Ask yourself this question: “Do I want this woman to become my girlfriend? Do I see potential in a relationship between us?” If you’re not 100% sure, then don’t ask her out. If you do, then she’ll sniff out your hesitancy and she’ll likely reject you anyway. You don’t have to state your intention out loud from the get-go, but you have to act in a way that makes it obvious.
Of course, even if you are 100% convinced that you want to have a relationship with her, that doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen, but at least you’ll approach her with the right attitude. I know that this advice runs counter to every dating strategy that you hear about out there, but I’m just not a fan of the “casual” approach to dating, because when people aren’t clear about their intentions upfront, that’s when hurtful misunderstandings happen. It’s better to say: “I’m dating you because I think that we could have a good relationship, and so I want to get to know you to confirm that”, and be shot down, than to “go with the flow” and realize after months of investing your time and effort, that she never wanted more than a close friendship.
Also keep in mind that you are coworkers. Will you be able to deal with the awkwardness if things go south? If not, then it’s not a shame to tell yourself that you’d rather find someone to date who is not a coworker. Honestly, I think that would be better. I generally advise people against dating coworkers because if the relationship sours, then it could threaten your very source of income, depending on how severe the fallout is.
Step two: Decide on a time and a place, then walk up to her and say: “Hey, would you like to go [activity] with me at [place], on [date] at [time]? I can pick you up at [rendezvous point].” If she asks you if it’s a date, then say yes.
Step three: Focus on getting to know her by asking her questions and following her lead with regards to what she wants to reveal to you about herself. Be interested, not interesting. Show curiosity. Don’t waste too much time talking about movies, shows, and music. It’s great that you share some of those interests, but that’s not meaningful. It won’t significantly impact your compatibility. Try to learn more about her personality, character, relationship with her family, lifestyle, life goals, principles and values.
Also, don’t forget to keep it innocent and to have fun.
Good luck!