My fiancée confessed to me that she is crushing on a coworker
Question:
I’m 28. My fiancée is 25. I proposed to her about a year ago. Our wedding is coming up at the end of next month.
She began working at new job two months ago and her mood has noticeably changed every since. She’s introverted and shy when meeting new people but will get comfortable once she gets to know them. Over the course of the first month, she met many new people in other departments every day and tried to be as friendly as possible as she’s excited about this new job.
Then one day she tells me about a male coworker and how he’s into anime, like she is. She told me that they talked about his experience working there and said that he’s funny.
A few weeks after she met him, she texted me at the end day to tell me that she had something to say to me and that she’s very sorry about it. After apologizing a few more times, she finally confessed that she has a crush on this male coworker. She explained to me that when she bumped into him that day, she noticed she was excited to see him and she actually had butterflies while they talked. She said that her mood was uplifted for the rest of the day.
She thought about it and came to the conclusion that she had crush on him and decided that she should tell me about it. She said to me that it’s the first time that she’s felt like this since we started dating, and that before me, only one other person had made her feel this way.
I responded by thanking her for her honesty and telling her that I was happy that she told me, as it made me feel like she cares about how I might feel about it. I went into a bit of a rant explaining that it’s natural to have crushes and as long as she isn’t acting on them or crossing boundaries, everything is fine. The crush should fizzle out.
She asked me how she can best handle this situation and then suggested to cut off all contact and avoid him. I responded by telling her that doing so may be an overreaction and that she shouldn’t avoid him. She should just maintain proper boundaries and not accept any invitations to go out and do things with him, as that could lead to trouble. We left it at that.
Is there anything else I should tell her or ask her about? Did I handle it correctly? If this crush doesn’t fizzle out, what steps should she or I take to resolve it?
Answer:
I’m glad to hear that you two handled the situation maturely.
There was no need for her to confess to you that she had a crush. “Too much honesty” can sometimes lead to unnecessary conflict. She could have just as easily done what you agreed to do in the end anyway: keep a safe distance, don’t interact unless necessary.
This is just a classic case of over-indulging a fantasy, to the point where the emotions follow suit. If she had avoided him for a while (or not entertained unnecessary interactions with him to begin with), and had pushed those thoughts out, she’d get over it on her own.
That’s fine though. She chose to confess. That’s also good. She’s an honest person and wants to be open and transparent with you. She also asked you for help. Either way is fine, and you two handled it maturely, like I said.
There’s isn’t much that I can add to this. She is right that she should avoid interacting with that coworker, unless necessary. She should train herself to push thoughts about him out of her mind. There is a way to train the mind to not needlesly obsess over feelings of attraction. It’s a habit that can be formed like almost any other. It would be same as, say, a guy training his mind to not lust after random women that he sees on the streets. She should then give it two or three weeks and she’ll get over it.
I don’t think that you need to worry about it getting worse.
Congratulations on the engagement!