My boyfriend talked smack about me to his dad
Question:
We’re both 30. We’ve been in a relationship for five years.
Recently I heard him say terrible things about me to his dad, almost all of which weren’t even true. I am completely dumbfounded that he could talk about me that way after all this time together. The way he spoke made it sound like he thinks I’m pathetic. I’m not sure if he’s just insecure, whether he resents me for some reason, or if he actually believes what he said.
I confronted him about it and he said that some of what he told his dad are “things that he used to think about me”. I don’t know. He has a tendency to lie about things in general, often weird things that don’t make any sense to me.
When I brought it up he said he felt ashamed. He apologized, but hasn’t made any significant effort to ease my bewilderment. I asked him for some space. I told him that I felt hurt and confused. He said that he’s confused too. I asked why he felt that way. This was his response:
“I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt towards you. I want to take care of you but I can’t even take care of myself. Right now, I’m being a bad partner, but at least I can do whatever I want for a little while.”
That was painful for me to read. I’m not even sure how to process all of this. What on earth does he mean?
I love him but sometimes I feel like he lives on an entirely different planet, as though he has no capacity for empathy. He had a therapist at one point earlier in our relationship, who reportedly told him that he was essentially a sociopath. Is he though?
We’ve had issues in the past related to his inability to understand mine or other’s feelings. Still, I was not expecting this. He often tells me how much he loves me and wants to take care of me, but I don’t know. I’ve always forgiven him in the past and tried very hard to communicate effectively with him whenever he’s done something like this, but I feel exhausted.
Is there any hope for this relationship?
Answer:
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you.
It may be that your boyfriend is an oblivious person. He seems to not have learned to reason out how what he says and what he does can affects the feelings of others.
That in and of itself wouldn’t be a problem though. Oblivious people are a dime a dozen, and as long as they are willing to learn how to be social, they can.
However, he talked smack to his dad about you, has a habit of lying to you, and apparently feels happy that he can “do whatever he wants for a little while”?
He has very obviously crossed the line from an oblivious person to a sociopath. Those actions and attitudes are a sign that he has a rotten character.
So, not only are your personalities not compatible, because you’re obviously a more intuitive, empathetic person, but he’s also just a mean man who wants to speak his mind, be free to hurt people’s feelings, and not be judged for it.
I think that after five years, if he hasn’t already made a serious attempt to improve his character, then you’re wasting your time and effort on him.
I know that five years is a big investment, but don’t fall for the sunk-cost fallacy. Every day that you spend with this man, you’re just reinforcing his belief that he can get away with whatever he says and does because you won’t leave him, no matter what. You’re also wasting the precious time that you could, instead, be investing in finding a man who treats you with kindness and respect.
You deserve better.