My mother died from cancer, yet my boyfriend won’t stop asking for sex
Question:
I’m 21, and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together for nearly 3 years now.
We’re not living together at the moment, as I had been looking after my mother before she became bedridden and had to be hospitalized. I just lost her to stage four cancer and have been feeling completely depressed. Sex is the last thing that’s on my mind right now, though I wish someone who loves me would just hold me and say that everything will be alright.
My boyfriend gets mad at me whenever I say that I don’t want sex. He calls it an “undeniable urge”. He often tells me that he thinks that I’m cheating, that I’m getting sex elsewhere. Sometimes he’ll sit next to me and will begin masturbating. He gets angry if I don’t touch him and won’t stop doing that even if I ask him to. He gets really angry if he can’t climax and blames me for it.
Last night, he got so angry, that he threatened to watch cam girls because he said that I’m giving him no other options.
I was so tired and depressed that I just began crying and went home. He has blocked me on nearly every social network since.
I’m so angry at him, but I’m also feeling so numb. The feeling of loss due to my mother passing away so suddenly is overwhelming. I feel like it should be obvious that, when someone is grieving, it can be hard to get in the mood for sex. I’ve felt so insecure, so unlovable, and I just wish he’d reassure me.
Is the way he’s acting reasonable? Am I in the wrong here?
Answer:
I’m so, so sorry that you just lost your mother. Especially at your young age, that’s such an incredible loss. I hope you’ll be able to mourn her and eventually move on in your life. Do you have other people that are close to you who you could lean on during this difficult time?
As for your “boyfriend”, you must to break up with him. His behavior is not normal. In fact, it’s the most selfish behavior that I have witnessed in several years of giving relationship advice.
No. Sex is not an “undeniable urge” (whatever he even means by “undeniable”), otherwise, you’d be having that urge too. You can’t die or contract any disease from not having sex. No. He’s just addicted to pornography and he can’t think of you in any way other than as an object to satisfy him. You really must get out of that relationship. It’s going to make it harder for you to heal from the loss of your mother if you stick around such an incredibly selfish man.
He’s perverted, mean, and won’t even support you during this traumatizing tragedy that you’re going through. That’s the lowest thing ever. Furthermore, you two came together three years ago. You were around 18-years-old, right? He was 24. He probably saw you as an effortless target, easy to manipulate. It’s disgusting.
You deserve better.